Michelle. And My Mental Health Story

Cover of my novel. Designed by Marie Tulbo

The character in my novel, What’s Left, whom I feel the closest to is Michelle. I started writing her as a way to process something I had been going through.

From the age of 18, I started to notice my energy levels would drop suddenly and without explanation. One day I’d be doing push-ups and the next I struggled to get out of bed.

Just like Michelle.

I remember interviewing for my first job as a writer. I was so excited to get this opportunity, but something shifted on that day. I felt exhausted. I struggled to get out of bed, and I had to beg my mum for a lift. I was just too tired to keep my focus, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive.

I didn’t understand what happened and put it down to needing a good night’s sleep.

I didn’t get that job in the end.

I started to feel disconnected from friends, uninterested in pastimes and found the pressure of showing up to uni every day to be too much.

At the time, I didn’t put all of these things together. I didn’t understand what was wrong. I just knew there was something strange happening in my body.

At 19, a similar thing happened. I noticed for weeks on end, all I had the energy for was watching tv. This was unusual, considering I enjoyed exploring new places, socialising and working out. I spent weeks sitting on the couch, ignoring people as much as I could and watching tv.

At 21, this happened again. I started a new job and struggled with enough energy to stand up for long periods of time. I was simply exhausted. My coworkers were lovely and tried to help; they believed it was because the job itself was exhausting, and I was new. So I decided the same.

At 22 this happened again, but a lot worse. Getting out of bed felt like a huge task. I would sit on my bedroom floor and cry as I contemplated getting dressed. I was too exhausted for showering, brushing teeth, and opening my dresser drawer. I ordered food delivery, but struggled to eat because swallowing was so exhausting. I didn’t know what was wrong. As soon as I had enough energy to get out of bed, I went to a doctor. They sent me for blood tests, which all came back showing I was healthy. I went to a new doctor who did the same. I went to another one and another one. They all did the same as the last.

I saw a therapist. They didn’t have an answer.

A nutritionist. They couldn’t help.

A naturopath. Nothing.

Nobody could help. I felt so alone.

Family offered unhelpful suggestions, and I didn’t know what to do. Work became too much, and I was struggling.

Until one day, I just felt better. Showering was easy, and life didn’t feel so hard.

But it kept happening. Not always so severe. But the loss of energy kept coming back. Year after year after year.

Michelle is based on this experience I had. Not understanding what was happening, feeling alone, relying on those around you to care for you. No one having any idea how to help.

After 10 years of looking for an answer, I’m seeing a wonderful therapist and am on antidepressants. Finally. It’s still early days, but I feel them working and I feel them helping.

It makes me sad I didn’t create Michelle with the knowledge that the experience was depression. But that wouldn’t be true to the experience I had and the experience so many others have had — especially around long covid.

Although I didn’t experience the fatigue for more than four weeks, I can relate to the unknowing, the fear, and the feeling of being alone.

Which is what the character, Michelle, represents: The strength of all women, and all people, who feel like they have to fight a battle alone.