Returning Home: Emotional Rollercoaster

I returned home recently, back to my family in New Zealand. My beautiful, beautiful family — and what a stunning country! Have you ever been?

I decided to leave my home I had been building for the last 12 months. There were many reasons I decided to leave but the main one was because my visa was up. I could only legally stay for 12 months and that is exactly what I had done.

So I decided to do the legal thing and pack up my things — can anyone say maturity?

Home is not my final destination though… What will be my final destination? I don’t like to give up secrets.

I packed my bags, gave away most of my things, spent the last few cents I had and boarded a plane back home.

Seeing family is the best thing in the world.

Being home and being spoiled is lovely.

I was so happy to see the beauty of NZ once again and feel at home with the people, culture and language. Bliss.

And then.

Boom.

A brick in the chest.

A brick? Why?

My heart felt heavy.

Why?

I was home, I was with family again, I’ve been wanting this for ages now.

My heart was shattering to pieces.

But…

But…

My friends were on the other side of the world. My friends I had said goodbye to. My friends who I would regularly meet up with. My friends who I could talk to about anything. My beautiful, wonderful friends.

My heart was heavy and I began to miss them.

Miss them quite bad.

Why is the world so cruel? Why can’t my friends all move home with me? Why can’t my family all live in The Northern Hemisphere?

Oh, the joy of teasing my brother, the joy of the blue ocean, all my favourite foods within walking distance.

Oh, the sadness of everything I said goodbye to. How I miss the flowers, the ease of public transport, the independence, my friends.

Oh, the joy of being home and being able to rest. All stress has been lifted off my shoulders. A beautiful dog walk under blue skies — can life get more blissful?

Oh, the sadness, my friends don’t get to enjoy this. I can send them photos — is 200 too many? I’ll send them letters, we can video call, we can visit. What? Time difference? Money? Oh…

Oh, the joy of the surf and the sand, the coffee, the waterfront, the sunshine.

The emotional journey has been intense and unexpected. I had read stories from others who return and most of what people say is that you feel like you are moving backwards. You feel like you have grown so much as a person and time has stood still back home.

I don’t feel that way at all. I don’t feel like I’ve developed as a person and I don’t feel like time stood still while I was away.

I love being home more than anything. But damn. I miss so much about being away. I miss how I felt like I ‘fit.’ I miss how comfortable in myself I felt. I miss how every single one of my actions had a consequence. I miss how every single little decision fell onto me. I miss having such easy access to the rest of the world. I miss having my friends from home hit me up for a couch. I miss having a million opportunities at my fingertips.

I love all the good food at home. I love having my family here. I love all the nature. I love the birds. I love feeling like I live on a farm even though we live in the middle of the city. I love being familiar with the culture and customs. I love the beauty. I love the outdoor lifestyle.

How can a person feel so happy, sad, grateful, guilty, excited, angry, exhilarated and exhausted all at the same time?