I Promised Never To Do Drugs

I was on a call last night with some family members and being in the country I am in, they gave me the “Don’t do drugs” talk.

Drugs are bad, they mess up your brain, they change the chemistry up there. There’s so much talk about dependence and all the benefits that come from different kinds of drugs too.

I’m no expert, I can only talk about my experience.

I have been addicted to caffeine for the past six months now.

I used to drink decaf. Only decaf. I didn’t want to become dependent, I didn’t want to change my brain and I didn’t want to need that cup of coffee.

I used to tell people who drank multiple cups a day that they were on drugs. No, they didn’t love hearing that and no, they didn’t give my words any respect.

When I moved to Europe I started drinking caffeinated coffee — decaf was less popular in the countryside town I lived in. Coffee was a thing you did to be social and decaf wasn’t always an option.

Eventually, I worked on a farm while winter took hold and I needed that extra buzz in the morning. I needed an extra boost in the morning. I needed something to help me stay awake.

I drank coffee.

The taste is of course delicious, and it’s been a fight my entire life to afford all the delicious caffeinated coffee temptations.

This morning, after reassuring my family I would never touch a drug a day in my life, I woke up this morning and… I didn’t feel like a coffee. I didn’t want one. I wanted a cup of tea, I was a little dehydrated and a cup of ginger tea sounded delightful.

But.

As soon as I sure the coffee. The coffee I didn’t want. My hand reached for it and before I knew it, the brew was made and poured into my cup. The tea left and ignored at the back of the bench.

That first sip.

I want to call that first sip happiness but it wasn’t that, it was more like relief. Relief for what had just entered my body.

I can no longer go without.

That’s when I realised I had lied to my family.